Rainbow Party at My House!!!

Not. I'm married. But why the hell was this term invented AFTER I went to high school??? A rainbow party is when guys get 7 women to perform oral sex on them, each wearing a different colored lipstick, so that their magic-sticks look like rainbows.

A book called Rainbow Party, for teenage girls, is now hitting the market. I find that a bit odd. Michelle Malkin is a bit fuddy duddy for me, but I agree with her take on this book, which you can read by clicking here. For the USATODAY review, which I'll be talking about, click here.

A couple things about the USATODAY review/article pissed me off. Here's an excerpt:

Elly Gore, a buyer for Harry W. Schwartz Bookshops in Milwaukee, concedes that the book is "edgy" but will stock it mainly because, she says, "I knew that if I skipped it, I would have been censoring it. ... I couldn't do that."

Excuse me, dumb itch, but the fact is you are INCAPABLE OF CENSORING. You can't censor because you aren't a government. Choosing not to stock a book in not censorship. Anyway, your claim that you won't stock a book because you respect the marketplace of ideas (which is what you would have said if you weren't such a tool) is a transparent and obvious lie. Here is a title I'm absolutely sure you would NOT stock: "Hating N------s and Loving It." (Picture a lynching on the cover.) And you would be right not to stock that. If you think it is moral to stock Rainbow Party go ahead, but don't hide behind the censorship card.

Another excerpt:

Suzanne Kelly, a buyer for the Chester County Book and Music Co. in West Chester, Pa., which will stock a limited number of Rainbow, agrees. She says the book's message that oral sex "really is sex" and that teens can contract STDs through such sexual practices far outweigh the controversial story line.
"I can't imagine anyone reading this book and saying, 'Hey, what a great idea. Let's send out invitations,' " Ruditis says.

Um... What if they don't read the whole thing? What if they pick out the parts they like and don't read the other parts? What if, kids being kids, they just share the cool fun parts with each other? This woman buys books for a living but she doesn't know kids do that? Has she never shared a book or parts of a book with a friend??? She doesn't know people do that? Hey, I haven't read the book, and I won't, so I can't say for sure whether the book promotes Rainbow Parties or not- but the cover certainly does- it certainly doesn't make it look like Rainbow Parties spread STDs.

What I found most odd was this:

Ruditis says the book was never meant to sensationalize sex parties. "We just wanted to present an issue kids are dealing with," he says.

Judy Blume books used to do that, remember? Like- whoa I'm bleeding I'm having my first period! How do I deal with that? Or whoa I'm having these feelings of attraction towards boys- how do I deal with that? Or- whoa my younger brother's a dickhead is it okay for me to beat him? No? (I wish my sister had read that one.) Then how do I deal with him? These are pretty common themes for young women.

But "Whoa everybody is having these sex parties and I don't know what kind of lipstick to bring for when I suck a bunch of different guys' cocks! How do I deal with that?" is not a common problem for most young women. It isn't an issue most kids are dealing with. Or is it? Maybe I'm just behind the times... hmmm.

Here are some other issues I didn't realize most young women are dealing with, and some prospective titles. I think I'll email these to Simon Schuster and ask if they'd be interested in manuscripts. First I'll write the issue to be dealt with, and then I'll write the prospective book title:

"Whoa that gerbil is stuck in there- how do I deal with that?"
Gerbil Party Up In There
"I can't freeze the banana hard enough to insert it. How do I deal with that?"
The Coldest Love I Ever Knew
"I can't stop my jaws from clenching when I'm being done from behind and I'm giving head at the same time. My master says the biting hurts in a bad way. How do I deal with that?"
When I Do This Like a Dog, I Do that Like a Dog
"My pimp used to take 70% of my take, now he takes 90% because he's on crack. Plus he found my snatch pocket! How do I deal with that?"
My Pimp, My Prosecutor
"I don't know what color lipstick to bring to the party where 7 of us will suck a bunch of guys' dicks, how do I deal with that?" (Oh wait; they already published a book about that! It inspired this post! Whoops!)
Rainbow Party